I ran into some old friends last weekend, and immediately I felt a new sense of energy – catching my ’second wind’ after a rather tiring morning. I think this happened for two reasons: one, simply because I was happy to see them, and two, because they’re very successful.

I won’t get into the types of successes they’ve achieved, because that’s irrelevant: we all carry different definitions of success in different areas (finance, health, leadership, relationships, all of the above…). The point is that these people make me want to be my best.

I should qualify this discussion first by saying that I’m an introvert – and so being around people doesn’t tend to ‘recharge’ me as a rule. So what I’m really talking about is the cultivation of quality relationships.

I’ve taken many positive steps on many levels, simply because of my social affiliations: whether it’s because of the bits of wisdom I picked up through their conversations, or because I observed their actions and successes – which made me want to do the same, or simply because I felt good in their presence (positive psychology research tells us, not surprisingly, that we’re just plain more effective in every aspect when we’re feeling good).

Psychology research also tells us that the more quality relationships we have in our lives, the healthier and sharper we are apt to be in our later years and greater level of mental health we’ll enjoy.

So who do you surround yourself with? Who contributes to your happiness and success by just ‘being there’?

And on the other side of the coin, I’m sure we can all relate to the opposite. Who brings you down through their negativity? Who doesn’t set the bar high enough for themselves or for you? Who around you settles for mediocrity, and how does this affect your sense of drive and hope?

We can’t always choose all of the people in our lives, of course, but we can exercise discretion with the choices we are able to make. Who are you now, and where are you going? What kinds of people do you need in your life to help pave the way?

And, of course, all this isn’t to say that we shouldn’t be caring, helping, and supportive people – but it’s really about how we manage the flow of energy. Are you often left feeling depleted because you give out more than you receive – or do you have a strong reciprocal flow and reserve of positive energy in your life?

No matter what type of relationship you have, marriage, family, or friends, to have a functioning relationship you need three things that are essential to the success of that relationship.

1. Attraction
2. Love
3. Trust

I pastor a Church, and when I do marital counseling I can tell where a marriage is struggling, weak, empty, or strong all based on these three areas of their relationship. Each one of the three elements produces footprints in that a knowledgeable counselor can follow to determine the strength of a relationship.

By themselves, they seem rather obvious, but upon examination we begin to see the intricacies of these elements to determine behavioral patterns in relationships. It is possible to trust someone you don’t love, or love someone you don’t trust, or even be attracted to someone you don’t trust or love. You can even love someone that you don’t like. Oh yes, family members do this all the time.

As you can see, these aren’t simple elements that we can simply take for granted. If all three of these areas are strong on both ends of the relationship, then you have a very strong relationship. If even one of these is missing from either side, you have a problem. The more that are missing, or the more that are weak, the larger the problems you have in the relationship.

Let’s take a closer look.

ATTRACTION

All relationships start here. You looked at a girl and became attracted to the way she walked, looked, smiled, or behaved. The attraction enabled you to notice each other. You only opened up because you liked his manner, kindness, and gentleness. Without the initial attraction, there would be very little relationship to begin with, or nothing at all.

What makes for strong relationships is when you have things in common, such as sharing the same values, principles, and likes and dislikes. These attractions build interest and comfort in a relationship.

But it is something that can be lost. Married couples who don’t maintain their attraction to each other suddenly develop problems in their relationships.

Signs that ‘attraction’ is a problem in your relationship:

• You don’t like being around them much.
• You get irritated at little and insignificant things that they do.
• You feel more comfortable or relaxed when they aren’t around.

If this is you, you need to rekindle the attraction. Find new hobbies, new experiences to share together. Rediscover all that you have in common and enjoy those things together. If you can’t think of any, find new ones.

LOVE

I don’t believe that love is some sort of warm fuzzy emotion. I believe that love is a decision and an action that is often demonstrated by personal sacrifice. I also believe that your love is based on who you are, not who the person you love is.

If you love someone because of what they do or don’t do, your love isn’t love, it is attraction. Love is something that comes from you as a gift. It is based on who you are.

Many people like being around each other, but they don’t really love each other. They aren’t willing to make personal sacrifices when the going gets rough. They love to hang out with you, or do things with you, but they’ll split when things get difficult.

Signs that ‘love’ is a problem in your relationship:

• You don’t like making sacrifices for them.
• You don’t want to be involved with their problems.
• You feel put upon when they bring problems to you.
• You have no interest in their difficulties or problems.
• Their problems push you away instead of bringing you closer.

Interestingly enough, two people who don’t like each other but actually do love each other will find that their relationship is strongest when they have a problem. The problem actually binds them together and they tackle the problem together. But when there is no problem, they can’t stand being around each other.

Ever see a boy who couldn’t stand his little brother? But if a bully threatens his little brother, watch out! Here comes big brother. Although he doesn’t like his little brother, he does love him.

TRUST

Trust is something that must be earned. You don’t give away trust like you do love. Everyone will agree that trust is important in a relationship. You can’t just demand that someone trust you.

This is the final stage of a developing relationship. It beings with attraction, or liking each other, and you often give the gift of love, but only time can fully develop this issue of trust. Trust is important.

Signs that ‘trust’ is a problem in your relationship:

• You are suspicious of them.
• You question their actions and motives.
• You only feel comfortable when you are near them, but not when they are away from you.
• You find it difficult to believe their words.
• You find yourself insecure in the relationship.

What really makes relationships a mess is when the missing or weak element is different for each person involved. Say a wife doesn’t trust her husband, and the husband doesn’t really like his wife anymore. In this case, she is suspicious, jealous, controlling, and only content when he is where she can keep an eye on him. Conversely, he can’t stand to be around her. He doesn’t find her enjoyable anymore and her suspicion and jealousy make him want to be away from her even more. This makes for a mess.

Say that a brother doesn’t like his sister, but he loves her, yet the sister likes her brother, but doesn’t really love him. In this case, the brother only ever feels close to his sister when she’s in trouble. But she, on the other hand, likes to be around him, but can’t handle his problems or troubles. This makes for an awkward relationship to say the least.

Examine your own relationships and find out which areas need to be improved and built up. We can always improve.

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Many people experience mixed emotions about Valentines Day because they allow their personal circumstances to dictate their responses to this celebration. Those without partners may feel reminded of their deep-seated beliefs that somehow their lives are not complete and Valentine’s Day is thus met with depression and sense of lack. Those with partners are often influenced by external influences as to how their partners should act, for example red roses or other romantic gift. and they feel disappointed regardless of personal displays of affection by their partners. If the partner’s display of affection is out of line with what media and social mores dictate, they can be left with disillusionment and questioning of their mate’s commitment.

These examples highlight the costs involved when we allow our happiness and sense of well-being to be externally defined by external forces. Let’s take the first scenario. Many people without partners spend a lot of time seeking a mate and feel that somehow their lives are incomplete. Valentine’s Day becomes a reminder that another year has passed without their wish being fulfilled. However, this is a fantasy despite the undeniable possibilities for great fulfillment and joy to be gained by a healthy relationship. By deciding, in advance, what we think will make us happy, we doom ourselves to unhappiness until we acquire what we originally decided would satisfy us. It is a fantasy that ‘the relationship’ will bring such fulfillment. By the time a mate arrives, the internal image of perfection is so ingrained that little room exists for them to be seen as the unique individual they are; instead, they become no more than a projection of the seeker’s own stereotypes.

The second scenario is closely linked to the first. Many people with partners become disillusioned on Valentine’s Day because their partners don’t act in accordance with their internal beliefs of what is appropriate displays of affection. A loving partner who genuinely values their partner may find themselves being criticized as unloving because they fall short of what the media, magazines or their mate’s friends say is appropriate. For example they did not buy red roses, provide a romantic gift or even something as simple as an e card. This again points to the failure to see one’s personal relationship as unique and special, with the unspoken rules of communication specific to them. By placing another human in the category ‘intimate partner’, ‘spouse‘ or another other category, is to immediately run the risk of objectifying them rather than seeing them as the unique individual they are.

By rejecting society’s norms and mores of how you should be in a relationship, you empower yourself to choose your life on your own terms. You take an important step in taking responsibility for your life, your relationships and, as a result, no longer become disappointed with others in the same way. You may become disappointed with yourself because you have short-changed yourself in terms of how you choose to be treated, but the empowering fact of this different perspective, is that you get in touch with your real power. Instead of leaving your happiness to fate, external circumstances or the narrow constraints of those who believe there are fixed ways to live your life, you get to choose the value you place on other people’s behavior.

It can be enormously liberating and rewarding once you see yourself and others as unique and special, rather than fixed and bounded by societal projections of normality.

Clare Mann is a Counselling Psychologist in Sydney Australia who specialises in assisting people to remove the myths of limitation in their lives. She is the author of the “Myths of Life and The Choices We Have”, an existential self-help book. Relationship Counselling Sydney